I have not blogged in far too long, mainly because my life has been a maelstrom of confusion, chaos, and darkness (ha—but really). Looking back at my past entries, I see a common thread—trying to find and pull out the beauty in my experiences. And lately, it has been quite difficult to do. Finally, finally, teaching is becoming slightly easier.
As I look through my past posts and this year, I feel like I need a time and a place to be honest with myself and God—about my needs, frustrations, and temptations. I want to use this space and this time in my life to seek God more and more consciously. I’ve lost myself at times, I think because I have not prioritized that which anchors me—my faith.
My Lenten goal is to reflect very often. Daily, in fact.
Today was a day like any other. I felt incredibly frustrated at school and prayed for patience. I went to Ash Wednesday mass and felt frustrated by us, humanity, looking around the cathedral and hearing laughter, talking, distractions, rude comments, vanity--while ironically enough realizing the depth of my own self-righteousness in the midst of my frustration. I sit here tired and drained, resenting my work. Let me, Lord, seek you even in the most negative of times, and perhaps more difficult, in the most mundane of times.
So, to conclude my first post, here is a psalm that I would like to inspire me for my Lenten journey, a time of self-reflection and growth:
"Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me and know my anxious thoughts;
And see if there be any hurtful way in me,
And lead me in the everlasting way."
- Psalm 139: 23-24
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