Thursday, 02.28.13

Cursed is the man who trusts in human beings,
who seeks his strength in flesh,
whose heart turns away from the LORD.
- Jer. 17:5-10

Reflecting on today's reading, I'm not sure if I am taking this quote too far from its original meaning. My first thought immediately went to my emotional state this year and struggling to work so much but not be too emotionally invested in my work. When I reflect on seeking and trusting "human beings" and "flesh" rather than the Lord, it makes me turn inwards to look at my own battle to learn how to teach. It's incredibly difficult to define one's self-worth in turbulent times, and some of my most soothing times this year have been when I pause to say, "I can't do this on my own- I need help."

Temper my self-righteousness, frustrations, arrogance, and inability to see the bigger picture by engendering humility in me, Lord. Make me now, more than ever, Your own.

Almost, almost, almost to the end of the week. Please bless tomorrow as being a productive, low-stress, quick day.

Wednesday, 02.27.13

I cannot believe that we are already two weeks into Lent. This week has inched by, painfully slowly, and yet, it seems like I just started writing my Lenten entries.

The readings today were perhaps a bit dark but that suits my somewhat depressing day. I smiled as I read Jeremiah's words: "Must good be repaid with evil that they should dig a pit to take my life?". Would it be melodramatic to say that I thought of my students immediately when I read this quote? It's funny how disheartening it can be when a whole class of students feels off-track and their behavior deteriorates. On my self-centered days, I take it quite personally, and it is only with time that I can take a step back and say "maybe it was an off day for them; maybe they did not intend to be so disrespectful."

While of course my students are not conspiring to take my life, as in Jeremiah's story, I do think it can be very isolating to feel at times like the enemy when students act up together in class. I find solace in today's psalm:

"Save me, O Lord, in your kindness.
You will free me from the snare they set for me,
for you are my refuge.
Into your hands I commend my spirit;
you will redeem me, O LORD, O faithful God."

I often reflect that teaching must have some purpose that God knows of, and I do not, in shaping me. I think that a major benefit of this rough first year is increasingly asking God for help as I flounder and struggle. Please help the rest of the week to pass smoothly and quickly Lord. Continue to grant me Your strength and resilience.

Monday, 02.25.13

Already, on my first day back after break, I am nervous about slipping in remembering to post everyday. Allow me, Lord, to continue to prioritize You in my life even when it feels like I have no time left to give.

I was worried about returning to school today, and I love that today's readings are full of humility and grace in the face of God's unceasing mercy; they remind me to thank God even as I bring new needs and flaws to Him. Together, the readings form a rich tapestry of messages that contribute and respond to one another. Daniel notes,

"We have sinned, been wicked and done evil;
we have rebelled and departed from your commandments and your laws.
We have not obeyed your servants the prophets."

The psalm builds upon this repentance and acknowledgement of wrongdoing with the prayer,

"Lord, do not deal with us according to our sins.
Remember not against us the iniquities of the past;
may your compassion quickly come to us,
for we are brought very low."

Finally, the gospel of Luke shares Jesus' message that we must "Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful."

Even as I jot a quick post, worried about tomorrow, trying to remember to thank God for a smoother day than I had anticipated today, and weary in the face of the week ahead, I am awed by the message of love and mercy in today's readings.

Strengthen me and make me, more than ever, Your own.

Saturday, 02.23.12

A friend posted a TED talk about being vulnerable in order to connect to and love others, and I thought it would be a lovely place to start for a post today. The daily readings today seem rather solemn and focused on following God's laws and being obedient to His will. Simultaneously, of course, Jesus firmly and hopefully calls us to love one another, enemy and friend alike. I think that in conjunction with the aforementioned TED talk, then, a wonderful message of vulnerability emerges.

I have long struggled to do all that accept-oneself-as-being-imperfect thing, and never has that been more clear than during my first year of teaching. I loved hearing that people need to open up and be vulnerable, put oneself out there, and be gentle with oneself in order to feel worthy of, and as a result find, love. It's a message that takes many shapes and many forms, but today's gospel was somehow refreshingly enlightening. I thought about what exactly an enemy could mean (and the Georgetown daily Lenten reflection also considers how an enemy can be someone that one hates or merely is annoyed with). Could not the greatest enemy of all- brace yourself for a cliche- be oneself? What if we really showed gentle compassion for ourselves? Would not that prepare us to do the same for others? If I could really look in the mirror and say, "It's okay that today was not the best lesson you have planned yet, and that you mishandled several conversations, and that you didn't make any progress on your to-do list, and that you are selfishly tired and frustrated," I think that I would be better able to help my students handle their hiccups and mistakes as well.

Plus, it sounds exhausting to be one's own enemy. I feel like stress and fear and insecurity eat away at me, and I love the idea of being liberated from it all--even if the "cost" is being vulnerable.

Open me up to acceptance of myself and others, with compassion, grace, and love that mirrors Your own, Lord.

Friday, 02.22.13

Today I thought I would post something simple; I want to offer forth a post of thanksgiving. I feel so blessed by God this week, with a much needed break and time to just breathe in. I have felt surrounded by friends; loved; relaxed; renewed; rejuvenated; inspired; at peace. Through times of joy, I want to remember to tell God and show God how grateful I am for His glory and grace. It has almost been a retreat this week, and even in the midst of relaxing, I am starting to tense up at the prospect of returning to school. Let me feel your unwavering grace, Lord. Give me the wisdom to enjoy each day for what it is and not worry about the future unnecessarily.

02.21.13

Lord, on the day I called for help, You answered me. Help me
to remember that You are my hope, that You will respond in my need, and that there is nothing that can keep Your love from Your people. Amen.

Queen Esther shows a humility that I envy in today’s reading. So often this year I have offered forth supplication to the Lord, similar to Esther—help me, renew me, strengthen me, release me. I had a really interesting conversation with my mom today that, to be honest, I was resistant to. She urged me to take control of my life by not victimizing myself merely because I have a difficult job. If I went to work each day and attributed that day to making my car payment and the next day to groceries and the next three to rent, would not my job feel purposeful and rewarding in a different way? she asked. Mom prompted me to think about all the things I love doing on the weekend and breaks and give thanks for my job which makes them possible.

I ask You, Lord, to give me a healthy trust in You while simultaneously fostering a sense of positivity and ownership for my actions. Even as I rely on You, help me to do my share of trying to better my attitude and day-to-day life too.

Wednesday, 02.20.13

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland." Isaiah 43: 18-19

Today's readings have always been a little difficult for me to relate to and really embrace. I find it difficult to embrace a vengeful God, even as He demonstrates His grace and mercy through Jonah. It helps me to consider how He must have known all along how the Ninevites would respond to the threat of holy justice. Plus now, more than ever before, I can understand the need for retribution to cause reformation.

While today's readings did not inspire me as much as I had hoped, a friend posted the quote from Isaiah above that really caught my attention and resonated with me. Despite myself, I dread returning to work Monday, and I love this scripture because it gives me much needed hope. I need to focus on the idea that every week can be an improvement for me as I continue to grow and develop. I tense up as I think about the long stretch until Spring break, and I grimace as I consider the start of another year of teaching. This is rigorous work, and I have focused this week on asking God to renew my purpose and guide my ways. Now I ask Him to engender new hope in me. I need to hope and believe that good days are coming, in and out of school.

Break is half-over. Help me to treat each of the last few days as though they are the first.

Tuesday 02.19.13

“Your Father knows what you need before you ask him.” (Mt. 6:7-15)

How I want to believe this. I mean, of course I do, but sometimes I think feeling sort of isolated and unsure myself of what I need leads to doubting that God does know how to help me. I think it’s mostly caused by conflicting desires—God let me rest and God help me to have the strength to act; God take over my future but please take me where I will; God make me the best version of myself even as I refuse to let go of temptations.

Yet, from another point of view, God blesses me with what I need when I regularly had no idea that it was what I needed. This semester has been littered with seemingly random blessings that have sustained me and rejuvenated me, but were they truly random? I think not. In some weird way, I think that I was meant to be curled up in bed today, watching Downton Abbey and enjoying the rain.

This break is exactly what I needed. Already, of course, I am questioning how it can be passing so quickly even as I try to savor it. Part of me wants to make lists of things to do and places to go in the days to come; another part of me thinks that spending my day lounging and lazily doing whatever I feel like doing as the hours pass is exactly what I should I be doing.

As the week progresses, I will need to return to the real world, gradually, beginning to grade and plan for next week. Let me enter that transition smoothly and without bitterness, Lord. Prepare me for the space between now and Spring Break (which seems eons away). Rejuvenate me and make me ready for the hard work and late nights to come. You know what I need already, and I want to think that this break will be enough to prepare me for a successful month of March at school.

Monday 02.18.13

“You shall not bear hatred for your brother in your heart.
Though you may have to reprove him,
do not incur sin because of him.
Take no revenge and cherish no grudge against your fellow countrymen.
You shall love your neighbor as yourself.
I am the LORD.” (LV 19:11-18)

I have been feeling a little downtrodden lately and have not been quite sure why. There are many, many reasons, but when I was reflecting on today’s reading, I thought about how I have felt almost toxically negative this year. As a teacher, it is my job to enforce rules and create an environment where everyone can learn, feel respected, and act productively. The reality of creating that environment means that much of my energy throughout a school day is handling conflict, redirecting behavior, and providing constructive criticism. Yes, I try and try and try to be positive around and build strong relationships with and cultivate self-confidence in my students.

At the end of the day, though, I question if feeling so drained and exhausted and even, at times, strongly disliked means that I feel isolated and unsure of living out God’s love. I work because I care, but sometimes I just feel misunderstood—like my sarcasm is a foreign language, like my dry humor is taken as rude, like my positive intentions are lost in translation.

I’m hoping that after ski week I can return to school and consciously pursue being more positive. It’s been a goal of mine for some time, but maybe I can do more to reach out to family and friends and coworkers to let them know that I appreciate them and value them. If I can let more people know that I care and love them as I love myself, perhaps the rewards reaped could be twofold—maybe I will feel more secure in living in the way that God has called and simultaneously come to love myself more in the midst of a rough year.

Pour through me with Your grace, Lord, so that I can act in a way befitting Your child.

Pax to me and mine.

Sunday 02.17.13

Luke 4:1-13

Jesus answered him,
“It is written, One does not live on bread alone.”

For the first time in a long time, I heard a homily today that felt wonderfully fulfilling and engaging. The priest addressed the way in which Jesus’ story is our story too; when Christ is tempted by Satan in today’s gospel, he experiences that which we experience. Though Christ is divine, God chose to become human. I often feel some inexplicable jealousy for Christ’s ability to show endurance and self-discipline against sin: why is He the kind of human I am not and am not capable of being?

The Georgetown Lenten reflection today thoughtfully notes, “In the course of our lives, we may sometimes feel that we have been driven into the desert. We hunger and thirst for something we can’t name; we feel lonely, unloved, unimportant, and unfulfilled. We may feel lost and abandoned. We’re faced with questions we’d rather not answer.”

It occurred to me that there are many things that God has forced me to confront this year that I would rather not face and questions I still refuse to answer. I am scared to think about what jobs, programs, and opportunities I will begin to pursue when I conclude TFA, and yet, I continue to refuse to hand it over to God. I try… but then I worry and ask, “will I ever find a place and a career that feel right?”

I miss the past, relentlessly, rather than taking advantage of opportunities. I waste time and lambast God for giving me a stressful life. I wish my faith were stronger when I don’t dedicate enough time to it. I feel hungry for security and peace about my future, yet I haven’t devoted it to God, nor have I dedicated time to actually researching opportunities. It’s as though in the midst of feeling out of control of my life in many ways, I am forced to reassess my priorities and how much I actually do have control over.

The Lenten reflection also notes, “Rather than leading the Israelites directly from the bounty of Egypt to ‘a land flowing with milk and honey,’ God led them into the desert, to a place of stillness and solitude so that they might hear him more clearly, respond more deeply, and worship more faithfully.” I must ask myself, did God place me in an almost untenable position this year so that I can change and grow in ways that are not yet visible to me? Is this all deliberate, and rather than him being sadistic, He has a loving plan for me?

In my darkest moments, I slip into what the priest called “me-ism” today: I focus on me to the extent that I do not give God the credit He deserves. I focus on all that I want, all that I think is best for me, all that I doubt, all that I would rather be doing, all that I have accomplished. What I really hunger for more than all else is a sense of selflessness that can liberate me from me.

Today’s gospel says that bread alone is not enough. This year I have focused on material things as a comfort—my new car, decorating my apartment, buying clothes, getting Starbucks way too often, buying more expensive groceries—the list could go on and on. I feel as though God wants me to return my life to a healthy equilibrium, where I turn inwards and upwards for peace; find more ways to use my talents to help others; dedicate my future to His will, whatever that may be. I want to worry less and crave more—more of Him, more of His peace, more of His grace.

I want to really know that bread alone is not enough—unless it is the bread of everlasting life. Allow me to use Lent as a time to renew my faith and try to deepen my understanding of my purpose.

Saturday, 02.16.13

“Faith without doubt is fanaticism.”

I signed up for the Georgetown Lenten reflection series online, and it has been a wonderful source for my own reflections. Today’s reflection was about doubting God and questioning God, but nonetheless being loved by the God one cannot fully seem to trust.

During a year of some poignant lows and lots of questioning—about myself, my purpose, my vocation, my future, my happiness, my goals, and my faith—I have not relied on my faith nearly as much as I could have. I want to see going to church, reflecting on my faith, deepening my relationship with God as privileges and joys; now I am budgeting time and forsaking some of the things that are most important to me.

Selfishly I ask God to renew and revive my love and enthusiasm for His calling and our relationship.

Thursday 02.14.13

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'”

I almost forgot to post, but remembered in the nick of time. Hopefully this will become a smooth habit. Today was rough, and as I so often do, I found myself thinking why me? Why am I here? Why can't I be doing something easier?

I wish that I could put others first more often. A friend of mine who is also a teacher posted on facebook about how she realized recently that so many students need more love. I think that I want my work to come from a place of love but that when I am so drained and fed up and over all of it, I lose sight of the good I could do.

I snapped at some students today when I was multitasking on overload, and then later a student made a simple but thoughtful gesture that surprised and humbled me. Grace me with your strength, Lord.

One more day until ski week.

Lenten Reflections

I have not blogged in far too long, mainly because my life has been a maelstrom of confusion, chaos, and darkness (ha—but really). Looking back at my past entries, I see a common thread—trying to find and pull out the beauty in my experiences. And lately, it has been quite difficult to do. Finally, finally, teaching is becoming slightly easier.

As I look through my past posts and this year, I feel like I need a time and a place to be honest with myself and God—about my needs, frustrations, and temptations. I want to use this space and this time in my life to seek God more and more consciously. I’ve lost myself at times, I think because I have not prioritized that which anchors me—my faith.

My Lenten goal is to reflect very often. Daily, in fact.

Today was a day like any other. I felt incredibly frustrated at school and prayed for patience. I went to Ash Wednesday mass and felt frustrated by us, humanity, looking around the cathedral and hearing laughter, talking, distractions, rude comments, vanity--while ironically enough realizing the depth of my own self-righteousness in the midst of my frustration. I sit here tired and drained, resenting my work. Let me, Lord, seek you even in the most negative of times, and perhaps more difficult, in the most mundane of times.

So, to conclude my first post, here is a psalm that I would like to inspire me for my Lenten journey, a time of self-reflection and growth:

"Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me and know my anxious thoughts;
And see if there be any hurtful way in me,
And lead me in the everlasting way."
- Psalm 139: 23-24