Right now I’m looking out my window, at 5:00 a.m., waiting for the sunrise and thinking about how much I’ve learned. Last night I took a nap when I got home from school and it accidentally turned into twelve hours. I needed it after a long and crazy week.
Since I began induction in Berkeley and then Summer Institute here in LA, my time has not felt like my own. I got caught up in this movement that sucks one in and saps one’s energies and possesses one’s faculties. It feels like everything I am and everything I have has been funneled into becoming a teacher this month.
I’m trying to take a few deep breaths. Step back. Think about how far I have come. Teaching is both everything I thought it would be and much more, too. I hadn’t realized how quickly a group of students could become my students, who I want to succeed more than anything. I hadn’t anticipated exactly how mentally taxing teaching would be, standing at the front of the room, thinking “Will I finish in time? That student is not paying attention. That student is not understanding a word that I am saying. What is the next part of my lesson plan? How did I forget to mention that? How much time is left now? That student is about to act out, I need to prevent it. Now I need to get back to the front of the room and wrap up this explanation. Is the AC on? Why are they looking so tired?” At the end of the day, I am mostly just mentally exhausted. I certainly haven’t been getting enough sleep, but it is the fact that I myself am experiencing such a steep learning curve while trying to get my students to do the same that has worn me out.
I’m getting better and better though. Improving every day. And it’s becoming easier to imagine my life here, after Institute finishes, when I settle into my permanent school. I’ve seen the campus, am looking for apartments, thinking about what car I want to buy. I’ve met so many wonderful people, and it is clear stress bonds people in incredible ways.
And what about California itself?, you might ask. I only spent a brief time in the Bay Area, and a few weeks here in LA. I can already tell that the Bay is a better fit for me, but to be honest, I haven’t spent nearly enough time in the city here. I’ve been to Santa Monica beach and wondered around Venice a bit, but that’s as far as I have ventured so far. Santa Monica was everything I had dreamed it would be. The surreal nature of my time here climaxed as I looked out over the ocean from the soft, warm sand. Is this real? Is this my life now?, I wondered.
The rest of my time has been spent here on campus and at my school that I teach at. California is just…much different than I anticipated. It’s colder, because I’ve been on the coast this whole time. The view from my window is of palm trees, and I can watch the sunset over the ocean every night. It looks as though the sun is setting not on the horizon but at the end of the earth. Fading into beautiful nonexistence only to rise once more. My LA is that of foggy early mornings, breathless twilights, and calm and quiet nights—a teacher’s LA, I suppose. I want to see so much more, and part of me thinks that I will need to take a weekend trip to return here later this year, when I have the time and energy to really enjoy the city.
I’ll be here for two more weeks, and that’s it. Somehow Institute is already half over. I have so, so, so much to learn and work to do yet. So many moments to enjoy with friends. I’m frustrated and burned out; I’m at peace and rejuvenated; I’m weary and careworn. I’m everything at once but mostly, I am trying to humbly hand over my life to God to do with as He pleases. I have students that I am working for now. I want to be the best teacher possible for them. I want to be excited to return to school Monday morning. I want to treat every moment with precious care, investing it in helping my students learn more and more and more. Strengthen and renew me, Lord.
There’s a great deal to come. Even I can see that.
