Do you know that feeling when you ask yourself, “Shouldn’t I be doing something right now? Meeting someone or having an adventure or hanging out with people?” I can’t get over the sense that I am in my early twenties and live a somewhat solitary, dull life. Not quite what I had expected after moving to California—that’s for sure.
It’s weird to sit and just…be. It’s weird to want more when all you want is to enjoy the simplicity of the day and of relaxing.
I had this wonderful, rejuvenating talk with one of my best friends last night, and she helped me to see that I’m still putting a lot of pressure on myself to have life just magically be settled in here in California; I moved only two months ago, and most of that time has been spent working long days. I just need to accept that time, time, time will help me.
I wish that I could stop resisting and give in to God’s grace. Clearly blessings abound, and yet I fixate on what could be improved and changed. I want more and less and different things, constantly, always. It’s tiring and exhausting, and to be honest, more than anything I have an insatiable desire for contentment.
Wandering, wandering aimless and solitary. People that I love, far, far and away keep reigning me back in, keeping me centered, sustaining me, helping me to recognize that even though college has never been more done and closed off, its love and blessings keep pouring forth. My friends won’t give up on me, even as I waver, falter, and trip up for months on end.
Really others are the ones who keep showing me that this “new” life doesn’t have to be an ending, and even with this seemingly foolish choice to move across the country, great things await me. Selfishly, I cling to the hope that life will grow better and better, that God will grace me with the wealth of joys that have hitherto been my privilege.
So I sit here. Reflecting, wondering how best to spend my one day of “freedom” from stress—wandering around town, shopping, the beach, praying, all of the above. Who knows? Wherever I go, whatever I do, I crave the grace of peace and the joy of feeling content with who I am and what I want.
