It’s very odd to think about life after college. Hmmm, that sounds so lame. But I really think it’s terrifying.
Objectively speaking I guess my life’s pretty put together. I have no genuine fears that I won’t figure something out. But at the same, being an English major will give me so much freedom to do whatever I want—perhaps too much freedom. I’ve been spending the beginning of my break working on applications to write a thesis and to attend law school. Do I want to attend law school? Maybe. That’s the most definitive answer I’ve arrived at.
I think about this way too much, the scope of the decisions I need to make and the impact those decisions will have on the rest of my life. It isn't really even the pure decision of law school vs. grad school that intimidates me.
This is what is so scary about deciding what I want to do after college: choosing what kind of degree I want determines the pool of schools I apply to and what kind of job I will have and the part of the country I live in. If I choose to live in New York as opposed to Seattle or Chicago or Texas, I will make different friendships and probably meet, fall in love with, and marry a different man.
Every single person that I could ask for advice would inevitably tell me that I should not think about all these other things that I can’t control, to take it one step at a time, that everything will work out, that I can and will probably change my career a few times in my lifetime. Is that actually supposed to be reassuring? Of course it’s true, but is it comforting? My life lies before me like a choose-your-own-ending adventure book from my childhood. If I choose law over a PhD in English over a master’s in history, I know that being directed to turn to page 16 will lead to a series of completely different outcomes...almost a completely different life.
Ugh this is disgustingly melodramatic. And of course it all just serves to remind me how little control I ultimately have over the course of my own life. It’s all in God’s hands and I trust Him absolutely. When I was accepted to Georgetown and to Oxford, I felt His hand guiding and blessing me. It’s been confirmed in the rightness of my life, the purpose I’ve felt, the people I’ve met, the ways in which I have grown. I’ve been praying and thinking and oscillating between futures, but He sees what’s to come.
I wish I had ever had that clear, defined dream before me: “I’ve always wanted to be a ______.” It didn’t happen, though, as a child, and I doubt now that it ever will. That’s okay. My life is unfolding in this beautiful, frustrating, slow, surprising way. Sometimes it feels like a movie, at others a tragedy, and sometimes like a painfully dull slice of reality. But I’m beginning to feel more comfortable in my own skin, more confident that it will all work out. I can’t see what’s coming. I’m still so indecisive that it can take me an hour to choose what I want for lunch; now imagine the formidable task of choosing my future.
It’s not as simple as “leave your options open and apply to law school and grad school.” The application process for each is rigorous, expensive, and time-consuming. Nor will the advice “you have plenty of time to figure it out” suffice for any longer. In the next six months or so I need to at least choose between law and grad school. Yes, my future is open before me, with endless possibility. That’s not the problem. And I suppose I should appreciate that in and of itself. I have so much possibility in my hands: what a blessing. Perhaps there really is no right or wrong choice. I’ll find out.
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