Every sensation I described in a previous post has been heightened. I feel very tense and unsure and expectant here on the verge of going to Europe. I also feel incredibly blessed.
It makes it so much harder to leave a place when you know that people will miss you—or in other words, when it has been lovingly confirmed that you belonged in that place. For me, this has been true of both home in Kansas and home at Georgetown. I miss them both already with every fiber of my being (dramatic, I know) and am a bit sad at the wear and tear distance will bring to my friendships and relationships here in the States. I am very confident, however, that God has blessed me with two homes, many friendships and loving relationships, and this awesome opportunity for a reason which He alone knows; the distance will bring new strength to the relationships that really matter in my life. God will mold my relationships to be strong and to endure by testing them. That is what I have concluded with a mere sixteen or so hours between me and the jump, the leap.
It’s odd to be here in this moment, in this time which I anticipated so clearly for the past year. While I applied to Oxford, I thought that either I would pack to return to Georgetown, pack to go to my second-choice university, or pack to go to the university of my dreams. I imagined so clearly the hustle and bustle of my family helping me narrow down what I would bring, the last-minute errands I would scurry around to complete, the lasts I would poignantly “enjoy.” I blurred through the goodbyes I didn’t want to picture, sort of as though the tears had already formed in my eyes. Though to be honest, I probably won’t cry tomorrow. I’m not a crier. Nonetheless, my feelings run deep, and I am dreading the final goodbyes with people I love and don’t want to leave.
Thinking about how I feel now as compared to how I feel when I normally leave for Georgetown is odd too. The three months between now and Christmas break when I return home is actually a shorter time away from home than my first semester of the year at Georgetown. I usually pack the same two suitcases. Typically I feel similar emotions as now, particularly when compared to leaving for my freshmen year at Georgetown. There is just some nameless difference that makes this departure feel of more import somehow. I think it is the psychological distance between Kansas and England as compared with Kansas and Washington, DC. Though my family would probably not visit me either way first semester, the distance to England is so much more utterly impossible. Maybe too it is the student visa I had to apply for. I'm an immigrant really, though only temporarily. It makes me think of how immigrants could leave home a hundred years ago, and even today, knowing that they will not have the means or opportunity to visit their homeland or loved ones again. While that is not remotely true for me, it sets the mood somehow. This big distance I shall traverse demands acknowledgment. And the similarities between this journey and my normal trip to Georgetown are a bit unsettling. I have been in denial that I am going to Europe anyway, but with the similarities between the trips, I am semi-convinced despite myself that I am headed back to the Hilltop.
Isn’t it funny that it seems like an either/or scenario? Either I want to go to Georgetown or I’d rather be at another university. Either I would like to be at home with my family or completely alone in a place I’ve never even seen (or been remotely close to). Either I want to spend time with my friends or make new friends. Either my life here is enough or I need to experience this year abroad. I hope every person I care about knows that it could never be either for me. It has to be a painful, emotional combination of both that in this moment feels like all that I want is tugging at my heartstrings until they want to snap.
Maybe that’s the drama in me. As I said, I’ll keep in contact, I won’t be gone for too long before I’m home again and return to Georgetown again, and I have an amazing opportunity opening up before me. I’m excited. Of course, I’ve had a dizzying week of oscillating between nerves and excitement, but I do think the excitement wins out (though I am wary enough of the nerves to expect a sneaky comeback).
I’ve been blessed with an easy packing situation, after my sister helped me narrow down my wardrobe—like really, surprisingly easy; my suitcases are both underweight, even after I threw in some maybe items I could do without. My family and friends have been excited for me and tell me they believe in my ability to do this when I get the most nervous. I will miss BBMing my best friend absurdly often. I will go through withdrawal from Diet Dr. Pepper and Quik Trip drinks. I will miss my dog and my entire family impossibly much. I will hunger for these lazy summer days when I’m super stressed. But….that does not negate what awaits me. It just sharpens the impact of the whole experience, I think. We have to lose things to gain them, right?
I just want to thank everyone in my life for being a part of my beautiful summer. I want to revel in the fact that tomorrow my next adventure commences. I want to stand up and shout, “I’M GOING TO EUROPE, BABY!”
And that feeling I have written about before? The whole dreading when the experience begins because soon it will be over? Well now that it is on the verge of beginning I am ready to slow down and savor this beautiful year ahead as it unfolds.
I’m ready.
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